I’m struggling like hell with myself.
Because I know that no one understands what it is, what it means to “live” with ‘did.’.
That nobody really comprehends what it fully includes, even if they’re willing to listen.
Except maybe, those creatures, just like me, who were forced to ‘call into life’ those same defence mechanisms.
They know. They understand.
Someone once formulated it as trying to explain what it means to see …to a blind person.
As hard as one may try then,… you’re never really fully able to express the entire load of visual perception. And the blind person will never be able to fully grasp the full scope of it.
The second thoughts then, on what it is exactly that is wanted to be achieved with the blog, hang by a silk thread.
What really wants to be achieved with the blog?
Understanding? Compassion? Acknowledgement?…
It is not safe. It never is!
What then? And why? ….
Why putting your vulnerable self up for grabs in a world that doesn’t understand. A world that never listens. That has never shown any understanding, compassion or acknowledgment… nor anything else.
Au contraire, punitive is.
Always has been and still is.
Look around you.
Why then?… Why putting yourself on the ledge?
Even attaching your “lif(v)e(s)” to the blog.
Is it trying to pursuit the fruition of something that always needed to exist in shadows? Something that always had to hide, that never had any right of existence?
And why the necessity to link that existence to a medium, the blog, in and of that punishing world? Is the blog mistakenly perceived then as light?
I am afraid of many things. My entire existence is one of fear.
Based on fear.
Reigned by fear!
Fear of little things like spaces, heights, animals, people,…
Germophobe, fear of commitment, separation anxiety, fear of death, fear of living, … fear of fear itself …. The list is endless…
Performance anxiety …
It’s either instant perfection or it’s not good enough. Not good at all.
Fear is all there is.
I hate it and I fear that hatred.
Because they consume me and always find a way to turn against me.
And for some reason along the way however, there’s been conceived a rather odd tactic to cope with that fear.
Besides self-inflicted punishment it was conceived that the best way to hide that general fear and the vulnerability it houses, is by jumping right in the middle of it. Without any regard for the consequences for the self what so ever. Without any shred of self-esteem or self-preservation. Whatever those consequences are. Especially any negative consequences concerning the self.
I think that this is the case once again.
And what then do I achieve by jumping? Or what do I want to achieve?
Still understanding? Or compassion, acknowledgment,… ?
Or do I seek confirmation?
Confirmation of all that I know? Of all that I’m conditioned to.
Confirmation of all that is reality to me: That “I” may not exist. That “I”, in all its parts, has no right of existence.
I’m struggling like hell with myself…
Because the blog may well provide that definite confirmation…
And it is frightening that the fear for the consequences is somehow fading away.
n! © MMXX